A Modest Proposal

The light is clear and crisp here in Portland. Like high desert sunlight, from off the plains to our east. All the familiar streets are where they should be, which is reassuring. Portland wraps around me like a warm scarf, clothing me in lifelong habits and memories.

It's comforting to know all the shortcuts, where to get the best cup of coffee, which bookstore will carry what, where all your mail goes (even though none of you ass-hats ever write back to me, but that's okay, it just means that I am a Citizen of the World in the Republic of Letters, whereas you are just another troglodyte masquerading as a semi-evolved primate).

It's great to be back on my bike again, sailing down the side streets and saying hello to all the old neighborhood cats, who look at me with that quizzical expression cats have when they want to hide the fact that they've missed you, because they're cats after all, and they have their reputations to consider.

So here's my Holiday Project (as if I didn't have enough projects to contend with). If YOU want a mix cd of non-traditional, vaguely but not really Holiday themed music, here's what you got to do.
  • Purify yourself. Push fluids, eat a clove of garlic every day, wash behind the ears.
  • Spend three days and three nights fasting, wearing a hair shirt and mixing tanqueray with wine.
  • Abstain from the conspicuous consumption of pork rinds.
  • Lend someone a book you really love.
  • Send your contact info to savagecentipede@yahoo.com.

That's it. Yes, that's all. Why am I doing this?

Well, you see, I'm also working on an as-yet-to-be-determined theatre project (one man show? full-on play? multi-media event? Hell if I know), in which blues music and black american worksongs will figure prominently. And many of these tracks are so damn good I want other people to know about them. Some of them happen to be spiritual in content; some pretty screwy (in every sense of the term). But most importantly, I want to know what other people think of these songs. And I may include one or two non-project-related tracks, just as a little something extra.

Also, I'm a philatelic junkie. A post office addict. Sending stuff in the mail makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Or as the doctors say, "Whatever it takes to keep him off the sauce."

Now, because I ain't charging you one red cent, I get to take all the time I want in the world to send these things. In return, all I ask is that you e-mail what you think of these songs. Now of course, the mighty power that is paulmonster reserves the right to decline sending to people, presumably because you smell funny or you're a Klansman or something like that. But irregardless, you will get more info about this project by inquiring to savagecentipede@yahoo.com.

ah, globalisation. That so foul and fair a fiend could just make possible the cheap, widespread distribution of a near-random sampling of obscure blues and folk songs in the middle of a globally warmed winter.

happy humbugs, everyone.


JJ-Wan Kenobi said...

Does your CD contain any 50 Cent? Any punk? How about songs by artists that treat their objects like women? No? GREAT, SIGN ME UP!

In terms of the show you're developing might I recommend listening to recordings of William Shatner "singing" Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds and/or Mr. Tamborine Man...I think there needs to be more spoken word concerts, don't you?

I can look into renting the huge mirrorball lemon that U2 used on their Popmart Tour a couple of years back:


We can mount it on a flat bed truck, drive around Portland and you can walk out of it and recite your poems or some Shakespeare wearing an ascot, a smoking jacket and a hollowed out TV as a helmet...

Whaddaya think?


paulmonster said...

Brilliant! Then we'll be mobbed by hordes of fist-pumping teeny-boppers. Hopefully. Smoking jacket, yes, that would look perfect.

Man, we should start a band. We could call it "Spyplane". I'll play guitar and people can call me "The Verge."

JJ-Wan Kenobi said...

Now you're thinking with your TV-helmet on, Paul!!!

"SPY PLANE"...nice. You as "The Verge"...even better.

Can I be the blatant Bono rip off? Call me "Nobono", perhaps? I'll have to find an appropriate pair of wrap-around shades and practice my Jesus Christ pose a bit. Might take a few months to grow out the correct quasi-mullet too.

Maybe the smoking jackets might be too much...howzabout some hazmat suits and gas masks from my office...maybe too U2 circa Sellafield? Geez I really got do some work and stop replying to your blogs.

That reminds me don't forget to bring that thingy for me that you carted across the continental US for no reason.

Are you bringing some of that sweet-ass ham, BTW?


The Lioness said...

Philippinos be crazy yo!